I've been having a hard time getting back into blogging. I make so many lists of things I want to write about but never feel inspired enough to write about them.

This morning I signed into blogger to see how this blog is doing and maybe write a post off my list but I was signed into to my other email and saw my old blog.

I read a few of the posts and realized how much I have changed. How I am no longer as optimistic, young, fresh faced, and innocent. How in a little over three years everything has change. Loved ones passed away, desires have change, and some dreams have started to break.
The world has become a more difficult place to live or maybe I am just realizing it was never as easy I thought.

I generally feel like moving away to New York for grad school was a good decision but seeing that person I barely know anymore and reading her small but happy thoughts is difficult.
Is this harder, more guarded, and fearful person who she wanted to become?
Would she have been more successful staying home and taking a slower path relying on her optimism and desire to be great?

I know the benefits of moving, in general I am a better oboist, less excited and enthusiastic, but technically so much better,  and chris and I have grown much closer together since living here.  I know deep down the move was worth it.

I can't go back and change what I have become but I can continue to grow into a happier, more optimistic version of myself again.
I suppose life is a process of growth and like my avocado tree, sometimes growth is sideways instead of straight up. I am glad I ran into my old blog and my old self.
I think its time to start growing upwards again.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

-bea

I started writing a post yesterday about how Chris and I ended up renewing our lease on the basement and it kind of went into how I can't wait to move next year maybe back to Florida maybe to another apartment and kind of dismissing the year that we will have in this apartment. Looking past it and hoping for something better, I even made a Pinterest board that i ended up deleting.
I was obviously a little bummed about the whole process, I had been so excited to move.
I was hoping for windows with views but here we are, same windows, same problems, same life.

Reading my post made me realize that I am always thinking about the next thing, never really living in the present and enjoying where we are in life.
We are young and married living in NYC with no kids yeah are apartment kind of sucks but don't most peoples apartments suck when there young? Unless you're a hedge fund manager or something.

I guess my point is that this is supposed to be an exciting time, like we can pretty much do anything at this point and all I can think about in my free time is planning the next step in life.

I think all I've ever done in my life is plan for the next thing.

I can remember being a kid and dreaming about being a teen and as a teen dreaming about moving away to college and in college wishing to be out of college. It just goes on and on.
Honestly it feels as though I never really enjoyed any point of my life.
I was always longing for something new and more exciting. It wasn't until the next thing came along that I Enjoyed the last thing I had. Example : when I moved out my parents house I appreciated and missed living there but wasted so many years complaining about living there and regretted that.

Yesterday I was also getting major life envy looking at Natalie's Instagram account.
She left the city! Her new place looks amazing, she might get chickens, and she has a sweet kid.
So many things I want! And i immediately started dreaming of leaving the city.
After looking at a few houses online I realized I could've been hanging out with my loving husband instead of fantasizing about the future. I was wasting time. Time that I will never get back, and even though kids and chickens will be nice at some point in my life, I really love (even though I complain too much) where I am in life.

Also, yesterday when I was leaving target I almost got smashed by three cars even though I had the walking sign! These cars just sped through their turn and swerved around me.
So, who even knows if I'll make it to the future I've been wasting so much time planning.

Sorry I haven't blogged more recently. Too much work and wasted time.

I hope all is well and that you all are living in the present too.

-bea

I really want to move.



I posted in passing about the difficulty of trying to find a new apartment in the city and how much more difficult this dog discrimination stuff makes it. It's really fucking hard.

This is actually the longest time Chris and I have lived in one place together, which it makes it a little sentimental to leave. But lets be real, this apartment is kind of gross especially when the city is warm. The only nice thing about winter is it seems to make the city less smelly and keeps all the pests hidden.

If i'm being honest the amount of other life in this apartment that doesn't pay rent makes me so disgusted, I like want to cry and run home to Florida.
To get really into it, I've killed three giant fucking roaches today.  Luckily the dogs help out, Nadia has really refined her hunting skills. She can track a roach and catch a fly midair without destroying anything in the apartment. Charlie just gets out of her way, not to helpful. The good about this is I don't think they actually live in the apartment but since we live off the hallway from hell they are just getting in through the door.

I even allow Chad the giant spider to live above the shower because I think he's helping out too.
I really want out. Is this normal for NYC for above ground apartments or is this just a basement thing. Someone please give me some hope.

We do have some possible studio options opening up in the area and the idea of one space is kind of exciting, even if it's slightly smaller.  We are already used to having a loft bed and I kind of love being so far off the ground.

I saw this crazy awesome loft/ room last night that I really want to build one if we get a studio.
I love the idea that we could turn the under room into a little practice room and maybe we could do some soundproofing and make a little studio under the bed.
Plus all the storage on the front and sides you could have.






What do you think?

-bea

Yesterday was Chris and my 3rd wedding anniversary, also known as the leather anniversary.

I don't know the origin for these anniversaries ( nor do I care enough to research it) but with what I experienced so far I would say it deals with the stability/strength of the relationship?
First year is paper, which is delicate and easy to tear and should be treaded with caution?
The first year was hard as shit , honeymoon period my ass, but it's worth it... work through it!
Second year is cotton, uhh? you can breathe a little more you're both stronger and more comfortable.
Third - leather, I haven't obviously gotten through it yet but the relationship feels stronger than ever. We are way more open now, communication is good, and things aren't always taken so personally( we developed a thicker skin?).
Plus, leather is pretty bad ass and we're also pretty bad ass for getting through everything thus far?
It's a bit of stretch, but i'm making this work.

Not sure where my theory goes from here because I think next year is fruit? Not sure how to interpret that or how to make it fit my theory.

If you have been married over 4 years what did fruit anniversary mean to you?

Overall, yesterday was really nice. We both took the day off and decided to take a super long walk. We walked like four miles down manhattan from the 180's to like 90th street stopping if we saw something interesting. It was pretty perfect, no stress and no schedule just walking, talking, and exploring the city. The day was going really well and we ended it with a X-files marathon, because what is more romantic then the X-files, and I ended up getting a fucking panic attack.
Luckily Chris is understanding and supportive because I am probably the most annoying person ever when this happens.

It's also like still happening, I woke up still in this state.

I have never had one not go away overnight, so this is weird and stressful.  I get dizzy and tingly, it's hard to breathe, it feels like theres something in my throat that I can't get out, and I feel like my body and mind are disconnected like I'm dreaming or watching myself live?
It also feels like it's getting worse as I get older because now I get headaches and nausea on top of everything else. The worst is that it always comes out of nowhere, unprovoked and fierce.
I would understand it if I am freaking out over something but like we were chilling.
I was working on my needlepoint (perfecting my cats) and we were marathoning one of our favorite shows. Also we were enjoying our anniversary... c'mon body get it together.

The first time I was 16 and watching a movie, literally thought I was dying or going to have a heart attack. It ended up happening everyday for like a month and my parents eventually took me to get my heart checked out and I had an MRI and everything came back fine. It's been 10 years of this and it has never gotten easier.

Every time it happens I still worry I am going to die. I obsessively check my nails to make sure they aren't going purple from lack of oxygen, I kind of pace around and check my pupils too much to see if they are dilated, and I constantly check my pulse ... I can't even ready my pulse and who knows if your nails would even turn purple or what eyes have to do with anything, it just makes me feel better.
I am so annoying to be around.

I generally know I am fine and i'll get over it soon,  but it simultaneously feels like everything is wrong and different then usual. I feel like I say that every time I have one," But this time its different! How do you know I'll get through it!?".

Does anyone else go through this? I'd love to chat.

This post went on a weird tangent.
The point was to say that the past three years have been amazing.
I couldn't be happier about marrying Chris it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
He is my best friend (like for real, not just saying it) and he inspires to be better and push myself to work harder than I want to.
Not everyday is perfect but it is always worth it. He is worth it.
I am excited to grow old together, to take many more road trips and non road related trips, to have a successful duo and play music together forever, and possibly even raising a family together at some point.

I am also excited to see who we become in the future. Only three years in and I already feel like we are so different then we were back then.







-bea

On April 11th Chris and I had the opportunity to perform in the new Dr. Phillips Center for Performing Arts in Orlando Fl. 

Giving my masters recital was an awesome experience. As much as I've complained over the past two years about everything, I have come a long way and I am grateful for the opportunity to be here and to have studied here.