Leather Anniversary and Panic Attacks

8:53 AM


Yesterday was Chris and my 3rd wedding anniversary, also known as the leather anniversary.

I don't know the origin for these anniversaries ( nor do I care enough to research it) but with what I experienced so far I would say it deals with the stability/strength of the relationship?
First year is paper, which is delicate and easy to tear and should be treaded with caution?
The first year was hard as shit , honeymoon period my ass, but it's worth it... work through it!
Second year is cotton, uhh? you can breathe a little more you're both stronger and more comfortable.
Third - leather, I haven't obviously gotten through it yet but the relationship feels stronger than ever. We are way more open now, communication is good, and things aren't always taken so personally( we developed a thicker skin?).
Plus, leather is pretty bad ass and we're also pretty bad ass for getting through everything thus far?
It's a bit of stretch, but i'm making this work.

Not sure where my theory goes from here because I think next year is fruit? Not sure how to interpret that or how to make it fit my theory.

If you have been married over 4 years what did fruit anniversary mean to you?

Overall, yesterday was really nice. We both took the day off and decided to take a super long walk. We walked like four miles down manhattan from the 180's to like 90th street stopping if we saw something interesting. It was pretty perfect, no stress and no schedule just walking, talking, and exploring the city. The day was going really well and we ended it with a X-files marathon, because what is more romantic then the X-files, and I ended up getting a fucking panic attack.
Luckily Chris is understanding and supportive because I am probably the most annoying person ever when this happens.

It's also like still happening, I woke up still in this state.

I have never had one not go away overnight, so this is weird and stressful.  I get dizzy and tingly, it's hard to breathe, it feels like theres something in my throat that I can't get out, and I feel like my body and mind are disconnected like I'm dreaming or watching myself live?
It also feels like it's getting worse as I get older because now I get headaches and nausea on top of everything else. The worst is that it always comes out of nowhere, unprovoked and fierce.
I would understand it if I am freaking out over something but like we were chilling.
I was working on my needlepoint (perfecting my cats) and we were marathoning one of our favorite shows. Also we were enjoying our anniversary... c'mon body get it together.

The first time I was 16 and watching a movie, literally thought I was dying or going to have a heart attack. It ended up happening everyday for like a month and my parents eventually took me to get my heart checked out and I had an MRI and everything came back fine. It's been 10 years of this and it has never gotten easier.

Every time it happens I still worry I am going to die. I obsessively check my nails to make sure they aren't going purple from lack of oxygen, I kind of pace around and check my pupils too much to see if they are dilated, and I constantly check my pulse ... I can't even ready my pulse and who knows if your nails would even turn purple or what eyes have to do with anything, it just makes me feel better.
I am so annoying to be around.

I generally know I am fine and i'll get over it soon,  but it simultaneously feels like everything is wrong and different then usual. I feel like I say that every time I have one," But this time its different! How do you know I'll get through it!?".

Does anyone else go through this? I'd love to chat.

This post went on a weird tangent.
The point was to say that the past three years have been amazing.
I couldn't be happier about marrying Chris it is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
He is my best friend (like for real, not just saying it) and he inspires to be better and push myself to work harder than I want to.
Not everyday is perfect but it is always worth it. He is worth it.
I am excited to grow old together, to take many more road trips and non road related trips, to have a successful duo and play music together forever, and possibly even raising a family together at some point.

I am also excited to see who we become in the future. Only three years in and I already feel like we are so different then we were back then.







-bea



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