Change.

I've been having a hard time getting back into blogging. I make so many lists of things I want to write about but never feel inspired enough to write about them.

This morning I signed into blogger to see how this blog is doing and maybe write a post off my list but I was signed into to my other email and saw my old blog.

I read a few of the posts and realized how much I have changed. How I am no longer as optimistic, young, fresh faced, and innocent. How in a little over three years everything has change. Loved ones passed away, desires have change, and some dreams have started to break.
The world has become a more difficult place to live or maybe I am just realizing it was never as easy I thought.

I generally feel like moving away to New York for grad school was a good decision but seeing that person I barely know anymore and reading her small but happy thoughts is difficult.
Is this harder, more guarded, and fearful person who she wanted to become?
Would she have been more successful staying home and taking a slower path relying on her optimism and desire to be great?

I know the benefits of moving, in general I am a better oboist, less excited and enthusiastic, but technically so much better,  and chris and I have grown much closer together since living here.  I know deep down the move was worth it.

I can't go back and change what I have become but I can continue to grow into a happier, more optimistic version of myself again.
I suppose life is a process of growth and like my avocado tree, sometimes growth is sideways instead of straight up. I am glad I ran into my old blog and my old self.
I think its time to start growing upwards again.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

-bea