I've been having a hard time getting back into blogging. I make so many lists of things I want to write about but never feel inspired enough to write about them.

This morning I signed into blogger to see how this blog is doing and maybe write a post off my list but I was signed into to my other email and saw my old blog.

I read a few of the posts and realized how much I have changed. How I am no longer as optimistic, young, fresh faced, and innocent. How in a little over three years everything has change. Loved ones passed away, desires have change, and some dreams have started to break.
The world has become a more difficult place to live or maybe I am just realizing it was never as easy I thought.

I generally feel like moving away to New York for grad school was a good decision but seeing that person I barely know anymore and reading her small but happy thoughts is difficult.
Is this harder, more guarded, and fearful person who she wanted to become?
Would she have been more successful staying home and taking a slower path relying on her optimism and desire to be great?

I know the benefits of moving, in general I am a better oboist, less excited and enthusiastic, but technically so much better,  and chris and I have grown much closer together since living here.  I know deep down the move was worth it.

I can't go back and change what I have become but I can continue to grow into a happier, more optimistic version of myself again.
I suppose life is a process of growth and like my avocado tree, sometimes growth is sideways instead of straight up. I am glad I ran into my old blog and my old self.
I think its time to start growing upwards again.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

-bea

I started writing a post yesterday about how Chris and I ended up renewing our lease on the basement and it kind of went into how I can't wait to move next year maybe back to Florida maybe to another apartment and kind of dismissing the year that we will have in this apartment. Looking past it and hoping for something better, I even made a Pinterest board that i ended up deleting.
I was obviously a little bummed about the whole process, I had been so excited to move.
I was hoping for windows with views but here we are, same windows, same problems, same life.

Reading my post made me realize that I am always thinking about the next thing, never really living in the present and enjoying where we are in life.
We are young and married living in NYC with no kids yeah are apartment kind of sucks but don't most peoples apartments suck when there young? Unless you're a hedge fund manager or something.

I guess my point is that this is supposed to be an exciting time, like we can pretty much do anything at this point and all I can think about in my free time is planning the next step in life.

I think all I've ever done in my life is plan for the next thing.

I can remember being a kid and dreaming about being a teen and as a teen dreaming about moving away to college and in college wishing to be out of college. It just goes on and on.
Honestly it feels as though I never really enjoyed any point of my life.
I was always longing for something new and more exciting. It wasn't until the next thing came along that I Enjoyed the last thing I had. Example : when I moved out my parents house I appreciated and missed living there but wasted so many years complaining about living there and regretted that.

Yesterday I was also getting major life envy looking at Natalie's Instagram account.
She left the city! Her new place looks amazing, she might get chickens, and she has a sweet kid.
So many things I want! And i immediately started dreaming of leaving the city.
After looking at a few houses online I realized I could've been hanging out with my loving husband instead of fantasizing about the future. I was wasting time. Time that I will never get back, and even though kids and chickens will be nice at some point in my life, I really love (even though I complain too much) where I am in life.

Also, yesterday when I was leaving target I almost got smashed by three cars even though I had the walking sign! These cars just sped through their turn and swerved around me.
So, who even knows if I'll make it to the future I've been wasting so much time planning.

Sorry I haven't blogged more recently. Too much work and wasted time.

I hope all is well and that you all are living in the present too.

-bea

I really want to move.



I posted in passing about the difficulty of trying to find a new apartment in the city and how much more difficult this dog discrimination stuff makes it. It's really fucking hard.

This is actually the longest time Chris and I have lived in one place together, which it makes it a little sentimental to leave. But lets be real, this apartment is kind of gross especially when the city is warm. The only nice thing about winter is it seems to make the city less smelly and keeps all the pests hidden.

If i'm being honest the amount of other life in this apartment that doesn't pay rent makes me so disgusted, I like want to cry and run home to Florida.
To get really into it, I've killed three giant fucking roaches today.  Luckily the dogs help out, Nadia has really refined her hunting skills. She can track a roach and catch a fly midair without destroying anything in the apartment. Charlie just gets out of her way, not to helpful. The good about this is I don't think they actually live in the apartment but since we live off the hallway from hell they are just getting in through the door.

I even allow Chad the giant spider to live above the shower because I think he's helping out too.
I really want out. Is this normal for NYC for above ground apartments or is this just a basement thing. Someone please give me some hope.

We do have some possible studio options opening up in the area and the idea of one space is kind of exciting, even if it's slightly smaller.  We are already used to having a loft bed and I kind of love being so far off the ground.

I saw this crazy awesome loft/ room last night that I really want to build one if we get a studio.
I love the idea that we could turn the under room into a little practice room and maybe we could do some soundproofing and make a little studio under the bed.
Plus all the storage on the front and sides you could have.






What do you think?

-bea

Happy Summer!

How was your weekend? I feel like I did nothing I planned on actually doing this weekend but it was still wonderful it was a big weekend of changing plans.

I didn't make it to the Mermaid Parade but Chris and I did get to hang out with some great friends on Saturday. We also ended up not going to the Bang on a Can Marathon but we did play two great sets on Sunday and have a nice relaxing movie night at home. Overall a great jump into summer.

I decided to make you a summer mixtape/playlist for relaxing by the pool/beach or on your hot and steamy train rides around the city.

Two years ago when we were moving from our spacious-yet-spider -infested garage apartment in Florida to our mystery apartment in NYC, Chris and I slightly overestimated the amount of space we would actually have. To our surprise we had to leave some furniture on the sidewalk because there wasn’t enough space to even get it into our tiny basement paradise. We even had to put a lot of our boxes in our hallway (which is shared by only our neighbor and maintenance men).
Fast forward two years and those boxes haven't moved an inch, but they did get covered in dust and dead flies. Sorry, neighbor, for making you walk by that everyday. I'm sure any girl you bring home doesn’t think less of you because of us.

Its easy to judge this situation as laziness, and maybe we are a bit lazy, but those boxes just don’t fit and they are filled with wedding shit and sentimental memorabilia from our lives, things you don’t just casually toss out. At least I think they are. In hopes we would get a better and bigger apartment, we haven't even opened them since we moved.

Also, I am kind of terrified to be in that hallway very long. To be really honest it's disgusting.                    
It smells of death, is full of flies, and I kid you not I was walking to my apartment on Monday and a rat fell from one of the ceiling pipes. A fucking rat! If you're concerned about the rat, he lived and ran into the hole that I think leads to the boiler room. This is a really glamorous basement apartment with the only closet being in that hallway. Imagine the terror of finding a jacket or dress in that closet and having your back turned on this hallway. Not fun, but it is what we have.

For family reading this and worrying about us, we are safe. As of now we have never seen a rat or mouse in the apartment and have seen no signs (poop) that they have gotten in. I like to imagine our dogs would try and eat them like they do with any fly that gets in. 
But back to the point of this post, we are going to clean the hallway. With all hopes of moving out destroyed (rent shot up at least another $300 dollars in this area since we moved up plus we'd have to pay our own utilities again not to mention the down payments, extra months of rent, and pet deposits, we'll be here at least one more year) its time to get that hallway in order.

Aside from the disgusting hallway holding me back I am also a bit of a sentimental pack rat so my biggest cleaning mantra is to repeatedly tell myself that saving things will not keep the memories and the less I have the easier it is to manage.

I've done this before and doing it again hopefully shouldn't be so bad.
Some specifics I think about when I have a hard time getting rid of things are:

1. When was the last time I used this?
2. Do I really love this? Would I buy this again?
3. Does it suit my current life ?
4. Will I, or my life, be any less without it?
5. If there was an emergency and I needed to move tomorrow, would I care enough to bring it?

This will most likely get done today, we are finally getting the building to fumigate tomorrow so one of the managers or someone who talks to them might be down, and nothing makes cleaning easier then guests.

I cannot wait to get rid of everything.



-bea

Giving my masters recital was an awesome experience. As much as I've complained over the past two years about everything, I have come a long way and I am grateful for the opportunity to be here and to have studied here.

i am so happy it is all wintery and cold outside because it is finally beneficial to have the oven on.